Be kind to dumb people.

I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.

If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes. I would relax. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things that I would take seriously. I would be less hygienic. I would go more places. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less spinach. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles.

Intellectuals should never marry; they won't enjoy it; and besides, they should not reproduce themselves.

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace.

Moralizing and morals are two entirely different things and are always found in entirely different people

Poverty must have many satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.