I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

I still think funny, and people young and old still come and see me. That's flattering. The day comes that they stop coming, then I'll know that it's time to retire to the Jewish ranch.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.