Everything I do on stage, I made up in saloons. I started doing it in front of people, and that became my performance. I never had writers.

When you talk about George Burns you're talking about a living legend . . . well, a legend, anyhow.

Who am I to judge is what I say. I'm 90 years old, for crying out loud, and I don't sit in any chariot.

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

In the old days, that was my ad-lib for hecklers in the joints I worked. It stuck with me. I hardly say it now, say, to fans, even though people do send me hockey pucks.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.