Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you'll find is that you can overcome anything son.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!