Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

That's why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, 'Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,' I tell them they don't need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you'll find is that you can overcome anything son.

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!