I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you'll find is that you can overcome anything son.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

That's why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, 'Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,' I tell them they don't need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.

I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.