I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

Rise and grind... the money ain't gonna wait for you while you sleep son.

The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

That's why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, 'Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,' I tell them they don't need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.