I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.

That's why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, 'Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,' I tell them they don't need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars.

The better alternative to fighting a guy, go have sex with his girlfriend. That's how you knock a dude out!