When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.

Tiger Woods is a billionaire. Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars? I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports who'd try to screw your whole neighborhood.

Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.

That's why when I talk to younger comics, and they say, 'Well I need this and this, and I need so and so,' I tell them they don't need nothing. All you need is some great idea and go shoot it.

When I started off in DC, you didn't get viral first. You got funny first.

The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.