The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.

Any comedic entertainment is better when you get high.

If you have anyone smoking pot in a movie it automatically, I think, knocks it up to maybe PG-13 movie rating and if there's a lot of it, even an R rating, even though chances are it is a legal activity in whatever place the film takes place.

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.