Did you ever try to sleep sober?

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.