Did you ever try to sleep sober?

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.