You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.