Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.