Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.