Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.