Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.