You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.