As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.