I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.