If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.