If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.