"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.