Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!