Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?