That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.