Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.