The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.