The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.