The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?