The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.