The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.