I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.