We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.