Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.