Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.