A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met