A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.