I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.