I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.