America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.