I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?