I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.