I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.