I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.