There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD