There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.