There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.