I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasnt particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.