I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.