Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.