Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.