Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.