Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.