Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.