Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

AA makes Scientology look credible.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.