That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.