Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.