Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.