Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.