Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Sex is free fun for poor people.