You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.