If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.