I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.