I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.