I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.