I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.