If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.