I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.