I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.