I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.