If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

AA makes Scientology look credible.