If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.