I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.