I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.