Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.