Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.