Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.