There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.