Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.