Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.