I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.