I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!