Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that is likely to be found offensive and trying to make it funny‚ but the object is still to make you laugh. Offense is only a calculated risk. It's highly unlikely that a comedian whose only goal was to repulse you would ever make it past an open-mic stage, far less build a long career of touring theatres and television appearances.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.