Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.