I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

Coward is the most misused word in our society.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.