I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.