I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.